A New Year

A new year. Again.

Yom Kippur came and went without event. I had an easy fast with my parents and a couple of cats. We broke fast with my mom's friend Elyse, who makes break-fast every year... Tradition.

I meant to discuss the whole new year thing with (at) y'all in my last post, but good-ole train o' thought took us somewhere else, instead.

So, yeah, last night was erov Yom Kippur. In English, that means, "eve of the Day of Atonement."

I atone. I fast. I figure if the good Lord gives me all of these days, He can have one back from me each year.

The Jewish New Year is the most important one to me. The others seem so arbitrary. This one is the heavy one. The others are parties, or just mark time. Samhain, New Year's Eve, and my numerological new years just don't seem to hold the weight of this one week on the Jewish calendar.

So, it's another year gone by. A lot has changed in the last year. Most of it involves age, but the biggest part involves separation from someone that I love, by her own doing. A year ago, we were still at least hanging out together. This year... more to come later. My friends already know what I'm talking about. I broke up with a girl, who is probably, otherwise, the single closest person in the world to me. When she told me she was breaking up with me, she took the single largest piece of me that anyone has ever taken with them from me; I gave her my whole self. She promised me stuff. She left me. I'm hurt. In the big picture, that's no big deal. Other people on the planet hurt; lots of them are hurting at any given time. But she feels so like the one, that part that completes me, that amazing, healing force that keeps me afloat and happy on top of all else. Babble? Is the truth babble? I don't know. I was so close to being a perfect, happy Buddha, aware of all and nothing, drifting along the path assigned to me, and perfectly content. Then, I met her. Then, we became friends. Then, we hooked up, and pretty quickly, I realized how much happier I was than before we hooked up, and how amazing it was to wake up next to her, and to be so much closer to her and learn from her presence. Then she left me, and we were back and forth, better and worse for the last three years, and I am wracked and kind of lost. Now, she's been seeing this fella for almost a year. A few months ago, he physically attacked me, and hurt me pretty badly. I never liked the guy, but now he is completely worthless to me. She defended his actions, and I've voiced my opinion about him openly and not-so-nicely, and she and I have been out of touch for about three months. And I don't feel any differently about her than I did three years ago. Maybe more intense about it. I hope that the universe brings us back together the way it did before, and puts this guy completely out of our lives.

I've never really been a grin-and-bear-it kind of guy. I do enough good work in the Universe that I don't feel I have to fake anything, or go out to please other people. I am constantly distracted by this situation, in one way or another, and it's really, really hard to feel positive about any world that could bring me perfect happiness and then rip it away like that. And, contrary to popular belief, NO: I am not enjoying being miserable. I hate it. It's an ugly, downward spiral.

When good things happen to me, I count my blessings, and appreciate, and I wish she was here to share the joy with her. When bad things happen, I miss the comfort she so easily provided to me, and the magical, age-defying, beautiful healing glow I felt in the embrace of her body and soul. I've never felt anything like it before, or since. Ignorance is most certainly bliss, and I am now enlightened, and miserable, as to the sanctity of the perfect wonder of my other half's soft embrace. And nothing comes even remotely close to that embrace. She is my Universe. Without her, life is dark and cold. Yuck.

So, another new year is begun. Another chilling autumn is here, leading to another cold and lonely winter of missing her, and with that, the longing gloom.

My new year's wish is this: May the positive from the negative find me ready and waiting. May history repeat itself in the best of possible ways, and may I be able to change things for the better at the top of the cycle, to spriral upward toward ever greater heights. And may that trend continue for the duration of my brief time here on Earth, and into my eternity. Amen. Bring forth the light!